People may assume that the Christmas holiday season is all about giving. To that, I say, "Nay!" The Halloween season is truly the time for generosity. For example, people who pass out full bars of candy? Saints, generous saints. People hosting Halloween parties in their own homes and feeding their drunk pirate and Barbie friends? Truly angelic. Saying "yes" to watching Halloweentown for the tenth time with your buddy who hates horror movies? A good and kind deed. So, in the spirit of love, joy, and benevolence, I decided it would be a good idea to feed iconic horror movie villains for their special day. Yes, I know they've committed a few stabbings and murders, but everyone deserves a delicious treat, don't they? Here is what I will be serving some of my creepiest guests this year.
Michael Myers: An Acai Smoothie
Ever wondered how Michael Myers of Halloween fame sits up so fast and can speed walk with ease? The dude hits up the gym, probably, I don't know. I just assume he does something to keep his arms strong for all of that slicing and dicing. An acai smoothie is the perfect little treat to make sure he's getting all of his necessary gym bro nutrients. Plus, the straw would make it so he doesn't have to take off his mask. (Who wouldn't want to look like a scary William Shatner 24/7?) And yes, I know I should offer him something more "substantial," but the man is full from his meal of rat and dog. A guy's gotta get protein to pump those pecs.
Hannibal Lecter: Impossible Burger
You know what else goes well with fava beans and Chianti? Honestly, most things, Hannibal. I would try to fool Hannibal Lecter with the vegan delight that is Impossible Burger. I mean, it does bleed, and that seems to be his "thing."
Freddy Krueger: Pierogi
Fun fact: Freddy Krueger is an Ohio-based man...demon...thing. It's true! A Nightmare On Elm Street director Wes Craven was inspired to create the character after childhood experiences growing up in Cleveland. (Yes, I know, potholes and lake-effect snow are scary!) In true "Mistake On The Lake" fashion, I would feed Freddy a fresh pierogi. He could poke them all and have five dumplings on his sharp hands. Now, I would also love to make him a charcuterie board and watch him stab cheese cubes for hours, but alas, there are more monsters to feed.
Ghostface: Prime Rib
Regardless of who is wearing the Ghostface mask, I will serve them a delicious, succulent prime rib. However, Ghostface does have to use his knife to carve it...at my wedding...and he has to wait until all the guests leave...and he can't stab said guests. But other than that, Ghostface can go ham on this beef!
Pennywise: Bruschetta & Crostini
Pennywise is so uncultured. I mean, really? You're going to eat your entree of local children without an appetizer? I would set the stage for his full meal with bruschetta made with fresh heirloom tomatoes and basil paired with garlic-toasted crostini. Then, he could pig out on his favorite grade school bullies, skateboarders, and members of the Losers Club. I don't judge, I know he needs a lot of calories to retain his status of "The Dancing Clown."
The Babadook: Dirt Pudding
This dude with the top hat is just obsessed with terrorizing single mothers and eating fresh worms in the basement. If the Babadook thinks raw, wriggling live bait is good, he will *love* a gummy worm on top of Oreo chocolate pudding. Maybe he'd stop being such a grouchy stinker if he had something sweet. Fingers crossed.
Pinhead: Advil
My main question is... how does Pinhead/Hell Priest from Hellraiser take a little nap? Does he have to take his pins in and out every night? Does his skull ache? I just think a single Advil tablet may help him the most at this point in time.
Black Phillip: A Tin Can
Black Phillip of The Witch might just be the world's most famous goat. So, of course, he deserves the fanciest of empty tin cans: 365 by Whole Foods Market Organic Shelf-Stable Tomatoes Diced. They're fire-roasted because Black Phillip is literally Satan, and loves a tasteful char. I would feed this furry little devil his own food cake, but goats can't have chocolate. Not today, Black Phillip. Not today!
The Crypt Keeper: A Glass Of Water
Oh, boy. Have you seen the Crypt Keeper lately? His skin is just so terrible. No disrespect, I know he's a reanimated corpse, but just because you're a living dead guy doesn't mean you get to just *ignore* your skincare routine. Surely, a glass of water can't heal his entire body, but it's certainly a start. Next up, I am teaching him the wonders of collagen and edible face masks. God, I am so tired already. We have so much work to do, man,